Dismantling patriarchy: “That’s just asking for it”

“That’s just asking for it”.

My wonderful, nurturing, beloved, kind and generous, 84 year old Nan said this to me recently.

For context (in case you’ve been living under a rock), “it” is being attacked and/or raped.
And how, pray tell, was I “asking for it” exactly?
Well, that would be the rape/attack worthy *sin* of walking alone, at night, through the park next to my home.

Specifically, because I’m a woman.


She didn’t hurl it as an accusation.

And yet it is, right?


Really, she meant it as a plea for me to stay safe,

stick to well lit paths

(something I would ask my own daughter to do,

but nonetheless,

the message was clear:


If a man

(for she did mean a man)

attacks or rapes me while I walk through that dark park at night,

it will be MY fault.
Because *I* asked for it.


It almost seems an innocuous point of view.

One that we throw at the young women we’re raising all the time.


Perhaps not, exactly, “you’re asking for it”…

But…

“You’re not going out dressed like that…”

when we deem the skirt so short that men will not be able to help themselves but rape and pillage.


Or…

“Well, she was drunk and dressed provocatively…”

together with a sage look,

when we hear about a woman attacked after partying.

She was “asking” for it.


But what message does this send to our daughters?
That it’s their fault if they get raped while drunk and wearing a short skirt?

That their uninhibited bodies can bring such shame that they need to be hidden away


Hell, what message does it send to our sons?

That the drunk ones in short skirts are fair game?

That they can’t be expected to control themselves if a woman is drunk and/or baring skin?

That it’s our (women’s) fault they feel so aroused and it’s our responsibility to “take care of it” for them?


And isn’t that why Sarah Everard’s murder, last year, caused such public outcry?

Because she fit the “good girl” criteria?

Because she was deemed to NOT be asking for it?

Because she was *just* walking home from a friend’s house in a well lit area?

Because she did everything “right”?
Implying that drunk, partying, promiscuous even, is doing everything “wrong”.

It really hit home for me a few years ago when I was dabbling in youth work.

I found myself in the blistering heat of a summer residential

listening to senior youth workers telling young women to “put more clothes on”.

That they could “practically see their flaps hanging out”.


And when my daughters school held a non-uniform “fun” day,

while prescribing exactly what the *girls* were allowed, and more importantly NOT allowed to wear.


The belly baring tops that were my (then 16 year old) daughter’s staple wardrobe weren’t allowed.

Nor strappy ones that might expose a parallel line of bra strap.
No such rules for the boys, of course.

She went in her uniform, instead,

because she decided it wasn’t “fun” if she had to wear stuff that she “wouldn’t be seen dead” in.


So, anyway, I asked my Nan, with compassion,

how is walking in a public space at night “asking” to be attacked or raped?

How is it *my fault* if a man can’t control himself?


She couldn’t really answer.

Said that’s not what she meant.

Told me it’s just not right,

not safe to walk alone at night like that.

I know what she meant.


She was trying to protect me.
Like we all try to protect our loved ones.

Our daughters.


Repeating what was passed down to her from her own parents.

Her mother.


My (great) Nanna Mason

- another amazing woman I had the pleasure of loving -

told her that being out alone in the dark was “asking for it”.

To *protect* her.

Like her mother told her.


Because for as long as we (and our parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, etc) can remember,

we have been told it is a woman’s responsibility to not do anything that might excite a man.

Unless we want to get (forcibly) f*cked.

And so for my nan, and her mother before her,

that has been integrated into her psyche as FACT.


And this is not just limited to octogenarians.

Many of my daughters now 18 year old friends are still told this by their parents today.


Not that it stops them wearing what they want and partying like it’s 1999.

They just do it in secret, is all.


And it’s a struggle, right?

Because you want to keep your daughters safe.


And here’s the thing:

I do too.


But I’ve had to realise that policing her body, is not the way.

That telling her what to wear (or not to wear),

or expecting her not to party with her friends,

is both unrealistic and unfair,

AND puts the onus on HER to not get attacked

instead of the onus on our sons/husbands/brothers to NOT do the attacking.


And anyway, who the hell am I to dictate how she adorns and enjoys her beautiful body.

I don’t own her.

I never did.


So now she and I focus on her plans to get home safely,

to not leave her drink lying around,

to stick with her friends even if she feels unwell,

and to call me if there’s any kind of problem,

instead of what she can and can’t wear and do.


And, more importantly, we talk about how

you really can’t eliminate the risk of attack/rape/worse.


That women (and men) also get raped and attacked sober,

with no skin bared,

and sometimes by their own loving partners and family members.



And, that if the worst were ever to happen

it would never, in no way, EVER be her fault.


You see, the patriarchy does NOT persist because of pale and stale men in high places.It persists because WE, the mothers (and fathers),in our attempt to protect our beloved offspring,keep pouring it down their throats.

Because we tell our daughters,

in subtle and not-so-subtle ways,

that they are responsible for the crimes that might be committed against them.


Because we tell our sons,

through our actions and reactions,

that their sex drive is a victim of provocatively dressed women.


Because we take their power away from them.

When they’re too impressionable to know any better.

And we give it away to patriarchal thinking.


So what can you do, if you see that you too have fallen victim to these beliefs?
Well, first of all, give yourself a break.

We were all raised to think like this and detoxing from patriarchy is f*cking hard work

(I would know, since I’m still challenged by it on the daily).


And congratulate yourself for starting to notice.

That’s an enormous first step.


Next, ask yourself, “who REALLY benefits from me passing this belief on?”


And then, perhaps, start opening the door to a different kind of conversation with your children.

Even if they’re already grown.

Jo xx